Part One: My Backstory (aka the post in which I talk A LOT about my weight)
I have pretty much struggled with my weight and my body image my whole life. I was always a little chubbier as a kid; in middle school/early high school, I knew I was bigger than all my friends (or at least felt like I was), but didn't know what to do about it. My senior year of high school, I still felt big, but looking back I was actually pretty thin. I think I lost weight just from being busy all the time, staying active, and not eating much. Then when I got to college, I gained the freshman 15 pretty quickly and it stuck with me. I lost a tiny bit of that for my wedding, but then gained back even more during the "honeymoon" phase of my marriage (what, let's order a pizza and watch a movie and snuggle? ok!).
Then, in January of 2011, something just CLICKED for me. I had reached my highest weight ever, and I was just didn't want to be overweight anymore. So I made a new year's resolution, and stuck with it for the first time in my life. I started counting all my calories - staying within 1200-1500 calories per day with one cheat day per week. And I started working out like I never had before. I began with Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD and two three pound weights. I did the DVD for 30 days in a row with out skipping one day, and I counted my calories everyday for four weeks straight, and I lost nine pounds that January. And it stuck. I kept counting calories, I kept working out. My husband and I joined a gym; we tried food we'd never even heard of before (spaghetti squash anyone?); I started running when I'd HATED running, and I eventually ran 4 miles straight. And from January-July 2011, I lost over 30 pounds.
Then, I found out I was pregnant with Liam. Which was SO exciting. But with my pregnancy, I just forgot what it meant to eat healthy and exercise. I pretty much stopped exercising in my first trimester because I was so exhausted all the time. All my cravings were bad for me; vegetables NEVER sounded good. The smell of coffee made me sick, so I started drinking Coke everyday for the caffeine (but not more than I was supposed to have, don't worry). And the calories just added up and up, and I wasn't exercising so the weight just kept piling on and on. I tried a little harder towards the end of my pregnancy because I was getting such a hard time from my doctor for gaining so much weight, but it was too late. And at the time, I was convinced that it was all water weight.
But here I am, eight months after giving birth, with at least 20 extra pounds on me, and I just can't get that "clicked" feeling back. Oh, I've tried. I've planned and counted and ran and Zumba-ed, and I have lost, but only about 7 pounds in the past 6 months. I'll have a moment, and I'll think that it's "clicked" and that I'm ready to go and do this thing for good, but it only lasts about a week usually, and then I'm back to eating whatever I feel like again - picking up a bag of Reeses cups at the store, snatching a cookie off the table every single time I walk by, eating out and ordering whatever I feel like. About two weeks ago, I started on My Fitness Pal, counting calories and attending Zumba and Dance Aerobics classes like it was my job. Sweating three days a week and eating salads for lunch - I lost 2.5 pounds! And then I promptly fell off that wagon. I'm finding it hard to stay motivated with the holidays coming up, and I don't want to give up, but I don't want to give it my all either. And I know from experience that losing weight really takes 100% dedication.
I really wanted to be down to my pre-pregnancy weight before Liam's first birthday, but I still have 20+ pounds to go and with the holidays coming up and less than 4 months until that milestone, I don't think that's a realistic goal anymore. I honestly will settle for maintaining through the holidays, and starting fresh at January 1, though that will definitely be settling.
I'm hoping that once we move into our new place, and I have more control over the grocery shopping and the cooking again, that I will do better and that I will lose more weight. But I can't tell yet whether that is just me putting it off again or if that'll really happen. All I know is that I have a box full of clothes from "skinnier days" that I will not get rid of because I KNOW that I will fit into them again someday.
I FEEL like I'm ready to lose this weight, but my motivation and willpower are feeling differently. I just need to figure out how to get those things to catch up.